Enjoy the process they said. It will be fun they said. Live for the moment, not for the potential rewards or aftermath they said.
This is, for some psychological reason, difficult for me to follow. When I first was told this, by a source who wishes to remain anonymous, I tried to write a list of things that I enjoy simply because of the process.
All I could come up with was tea and
I absolutely love tea. I love picking out what type of tea I will have – if it will be a loose tea or maybe just a classic Lipton. Then there are so many options – what type of mug, am I adding sugar or honey? Milk?!
As I am writing this tea should be crossed off the list as well. I love making tea and all that comes with it but I truly do love DRINKING the tea more than anything. Which is of course an end result of the process of making tea.
I crossed out flirting for numerous reasons.
1) Let me not kid myself – My idea of flirting is obnoxiously staring at someone for an impeccably long time and when natural eye contact is supposed to ensue I cleverly avoid it. This is mainly due to the fact that I like the idea of liking someone so much more than the probability of finding out that he probably sucks.
2) I have high expectations. I have high expectations for myself which drive me insane and if you aren’t doing the same thing to yourself then you are much too zen for me.
3) I don’t actually enjoy flirting. I get nervous, over think and stumble all over my words. Then I assume that you aren’t interested in me to avoid my own feelings.
This is starting to feel like a personal post which is not where I was going with this but here goes anyway.
I do a lot of over-thinking, probably enough over-thinking for a small army. Doing so has ruined some of the things I once enjoyed – for example acting. I used to be pretty good back in good ole’ middle school. But when SUSAN* got up to act she was magnificent. She really was and I couldn’t help but compare myself to her. If I wasn’t going to be the best then I wasn’t going to be. So I never joined in on the acting fun in high school and other years to come.
Why? Because I had this idea that in order to be happy with myself I had to be the best. The best at something. More than anything I wanted to be the best – it didn’t matter what it was. I just needed validation.
When thinking about the process it really got me started on this all or nothing habit that I have developed. This type of thinking usually results in a whole lot of nothing.
These are some thoughts that have passed through my head: why flirt with him if he can’t be my boyfriend? Why try the recipe if I am missing one ingredient? Why workout if I can’t have my ideal body by the party?
All these things have, unfortunately, passed through my mind. On a brighter note I am aware of this fault. I understand that if you don’t go to the train station you can’t catch the train.
As this blog is my witness I am starting to take small steps toward that train station to catch my train. And even if I don’t make it in time I will be sure to enjoy the walk.
(Names changed because I have taste*) Image source here.